Here Comes the apology….

As the title states… Here comes the apology, I know it has been a while since I have posted. An apology at this point just does not seem good enough, not to me anyway.

I started this blog, I had the full intention of writing in it way more than I do. Unfortunately I have this bad habit of allowing life to take hold of me. On May 15 I was told my boss was not going to renew my permit here in Cayman. Now means I need to find a job, I thought I had one, was going to invest in a business too… but it didn’t work out. I am now in full swing of attempting to start my own business here. Finding and keeping that confidence in one’s self that I can accomplish such a feat is hard. Especially when I am alone. You would think that is something I would be used to by now… I have mastered the art of being alone, I have yet to master the art of wanting love in my life or the need to be desired.

My life is in such a limbo right now, it is hard to find solid focus… all the voices in my head questioning my abilities and whether or not I can follow through. Do I stay and fight the fight or do I give up and run away so I can start over again? Do I save what money I have, sell my belongings and leave while I am ahead…. Or do I trust the universe is working my favor and all the hard work I have put over the years will finally pay off, of course not without a little had work to get started. So many questions, fears and insecurities. Bills are becoming due… a huge chunk of my monies soon gone. I have not taken in income in at least 2 weeks, yet I still have a business I want to build. It gets hard to be the strong one all the time, holding myself up. So badly I crave to be held and told everything is going to be ok, to know someone has my back. Why has love eluded me for so long… what did I do in my past life that I don’t deserve the love of another now? I keep being told he’s out there, be patient… all they want to do is fuck me… I am a sex object, not a woman or a human being with a heart who wants to love with all she’s got.

Over a year now I have lived with the hope a man who seduced me from across the bar would want me for more than sex. I believed in a connection I thought I felt when I looked at him or was in his presence. I have cooked dinners, bought wine, opened up my home to him and his dog. Only to be treated like a casual treat when he felt he had time to spare. It is a tough pill to swallow, the fact I allowed myself to be treated in such a way. That I never stopped things for good without going back to him.That I have allowed this to shift my focus from things I need to be taking care of instead of trying so hard to get him to show me he cares. So many tears have been shed and possibilities passed due to this man. Is he worth it? I think it is time that answer for me is no. Thanks for reading… stay tuned

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